Sunday, December 21, 2008

Home Alone

My family has gone away. I am home all alone. I’m supposed to be missing them but, as is usually the case, I’m not feeling what I’m supposed to- I’m loving it!

I love being alone. My day is completely mine. I type, and no one interrupts me. I can talk to myself. I can sing for no reason. I can put things down and they will still be there when I come back. I can walk naked. I can let the dogs on the sofa. I can play my trumpet during commercials. I can think freely. I can have silence.

I’ve never understood people who hate being alone, but then too I’ve never understood people who like to move around in big crowds. Constantly talking and reacting to others wears me out. I need to be alone; if too much time passes without it I can feel the tension building as the need becomes desperate.

I grew up under difficult circumstances and when I think of my childhood, my happiest moments are always times when I was alone. Part of my childhood we lived in an old rundown farmhouse. Behind the barns was a vast pasture that had a small stream running through it. I have a lovely memory of winter and going back there and shovelling off one section of the stream. I put on my ice skates and skate round and round dreaming I was Dorothy Hamill. Spinning and twirling. Alone and completely happy. I had friends and I enjoyed them, but being alone is where I found myself. As a teenager I lived near Lake Michigan and I would spend hours alone by the lake, watching the ships and the waves; hiding in the rocks away from people. They were lovely times.

They’ll be coming back tomorrow, my family. I’ll be happy to see them. Their noise also has its good side. Having a sensible, loving family is something I’m always grateful for, but my alone time is important too. It’s the weave of the complex cloth that makes up a life; my life.

4 comments:

Selma said...

I enjoy my time alone too. It is very important. There is nothing more fun for me than pottering around the house on my own. I have a few friends who hate to be alone, who call me over every little thing when their husbands go away on business. I don't understand why they get so het up when they are on their own. To me, being alone is bliss!

Lauri said...

My husband is someone who cannot be alone. Next year our last child goes off to boarding school and I wonder how things will go- me looking to be alone, him trying not to be. Could get tricky.

Tania Hershman said...

Lauri, you have no idea how much I understand that feeling. I crave being alone and right now I have no space to call my own in our home, and my partner works from home too. It is actually making me a little insane, I think. He is also someone who doesn't seem to need to be alone and doesn't understand my need. I think the world is divided into two sorts of people: Us and Them. And when Them and Us get in each other's way, it's not always easy to sort out. Can you tell I am feeling rather insane about it now??? Enjoy your blissful solitude!

Lauri said...

Sorry Tania, hope you can sneak away for some alone time. I think you're right about us and them.

It is very funny here because Batswana think it is somehow unhealthy to be alone so if a person is posted somewhere, lets say a teacher, alone, the family will choose a person ( usaully a young person out of school and not yet employed) and that person will be instructed to go and live with the teacher so they don't have to be alone. So I am, as usual, an oddball.